The Right Time

There is not one of us who has never been on the receiving end of a verbal barb consciously or unconsciously aimed at us to do the most damage.

They hurt.  Even if we are the most confident of people, they draw blood as they are meant to do.  Our human reaction is to retaliate with an insult that is worse that will draw more blood.  We have also seen children in the playground escalating their verbal taunts, which in some cases leads to blows.

As adults, we have a little more control over our anger, and if we know a few things, can fend off and minimize the insults without saying something we will regret forever.

Definition

You bite or hold your tongue to keep yourself quiet, even when you really want to speak out, but you know you should not say what you want to say.

Biting or holding your tongue is the opposite of speaking your mind, which is what you say to someone who says something that you disapprove of or makes you angry.

Examples

“I wanted to tell her what I really thought of her.”
“She asked me if I liked her… and I just bit my tongue and nodded.”
“They asked me is there was something wrong with them and I just bit my tongue and nodded ‘no.’”

People insulting themselves under mental black clouds (probably the least harmful):

“I hate my hair, body, job.”
“I hate doing the dishes.”
“I’ll never get along with my Mom, sister, …”
“I’m always getting sick or coming down with something.”
“I’ll probably end up with cancer.”
“I’ll never meet anyone.  I’ll die young an alone.”
“I just know something bad will happen.”

People insulting family members and those around them:

“My kid is driving me crazy!”
“So and so is so lazy.”
“So and so has no taste.”
“So and so is just a rotten %$*&.”

People insulting you:

“You have no taste.”
“You screw everything up.”
“Why don’t you do something right for a change?”
Fill in the blanks … the list goes on.

The Attack

We’ll talk mostly about people hurling insulting remarks at you.

The way a barb hurts is that it catches us unaware.  It comes out in a friendly conversation or gathering and stuns us into inaction while our brain processes a response.  It is similar to standing on a railroad track or road watching an approaching train or truck bear down.  That is what the insulter is counting on.

Many times, the first muscle that reacts is the tongue.  Retaliate!  Say anything.  Again, the insulter is counting on your saying something foolish that can be referred to and used against you in a future embarrassing manner.

The objective is power over you.  Even when it is a family member or spouse, there is a struggle to be the “alpha dog” or the group’s highest power.  The most effective way is to minimize or eliminate all competition. 

Believe it or not, the insulter may not think of it as an insult, but something that in their mind, must be said to improve you or the current situation.

What can you do? 
 
Minimize or eliminate

Facing conflict is hard.  It prevents cooperative problem solving and resolution.  Everyone wants peace and harmony, but most want it their way.  Having the skills to manage conflict can greatly improve the outcome.   

The easiest “gibers” to handle are the windbags; they “shotgun” criticism in every direction.  Everyone (except them) in charge of anything is at fault for their miserable lives.  Windbags are exhaling hot air, and like hot air balloons will collapse when they run out.

The worst thing to do is to fuel their furnace by engaging them in their ranting.  They are looking for someone to waste their energy by engaging and empowering them.  Denying them any response will cause them to deflate.

Postponing debate until emotions return to normal levels allow you to formulate a strategic defense.  Resist pressure to respond immediately.  Take a time out.  Refuse to blurt out something you will later regret.  This strategy strengthens your position.  Postponing minimizes their importance since their issue doesn’t have to be resolved immediately.
 
Duck and Cover

For most of the range of insults thrown your way, you can duck by ignoring the remark and allowing it to fly by; you can deflect the remark by correcting the insulter’s use of language, intent or object behind the insult; or you can cover yourself with facts and data and use the postpone tactic.

By summing up and paraphrasing their viewpoints, comments and insults (“what I hear you saying is …”), you are reinforcing your right to reply, as well as giving you time to think of a strategy.  Summarizing shows that you have been listening and are trying to understand the issue.  Repeating may highlight to others the foolishness or falseness of their comment or delivery.  Communicating your need and desire to understand takes the emphasis from the insult and focuses on the issues and the pettiness of the insulter.

Verbal Abusers

Perhaps the hardest insulter to handle is the verbal abuser.  Abusers live for the next time they can victimize someone.  They are the professionals in the insulting arena.  Their insults are pointed and hurtful, coming from years if experience in hurting others.  They often appear pleasant at first, putting others at ease.

Good manners and consideration for another’s feelings usually stops most of us from voicing our criticism to specifically hurt another.  Abusers have no such restraint.  Abusers recognize no boundaries, are insensitive, inconsiderate, and ignorant of acceptable social behavior, or freely insult, put-down and unfairly criticize others.  We’ve all experienced it, the insult masked as humor or ‘advice’ that stuns us and leaves us speechless.  The damage is usually well done to undermine our self-esteem.

Dealing with an abuser requires taking off the gloves and NOT biting your tongue.  There is an old saying that goes, “don’t wrestle with a pig because you’ll get mud all over you and the pig enjoys it.”  They have met their match if you are willing to get down in the mud as well.

The only way to silence an abuser in my experience is to stamp them into silence with a more insulting remark, then leave the subject and deny them a comeback.  It has to be done with a smile and a laser lock on their gaze. 

A typical remark might be, “I thank you for your attempt at helpful advice, which can be expected from someone of questionable breeding, but let’s move on.”  Then turn your back and refuse to acknowledge anything they may say.  Instead of biting your tongue, bite theirs.

No one likes to be ignored, and abusers thrive on the after-reaction of embarrassment from their victims.  You have also put them on the defensive by alluding to their heritage (whether true or not). 

While they are defending their breeding, deny them your presence.  Ignore them.  Cancel them from your existence.  Speak through them in a group as if they didn’t exist and continue the treatment for an extended period.  They deserve no consideration, no acceptable social behavior. 

Peek Behind the mask

Every day we face the casual cruelty of many of the people we come in contact with.  Human beings have a tendency to assess and judge each other by their own standards.  What really causes people to hurl hurting insults?

Some people don’t like other people for a multitude of background reasons.  Perhaps there is a deep secret that is still an open wound; perhaps there is a chemical repulsion between their personalities; perhaps the victim simply reminds the insulter of someone they hate.  The list is endless. 

There are other reasons that if known may allow you to give them some slack and bite your tongue:

• They may be simply having a bad day.  We all have lives outside our immediate association and others are not privy to the disappointments others may have suffered.
• They may have had a major disappointment and are just angry at the world, looking to make others feel as bad as they do.  They will eventually regret any hurt they cause.
• For some unknown and unmeant reason, you may have crossed their breaking point in a succession of social defeats, and they pick you to vent out some steam. 
• They may have poor impulse control, lacking the training or ability to stop before their behavior damages others. 
• They may have very low self esteem, are needy or dependent and have held in their comments for too long. 
• They may see their business, job, or a loving relationship slipping away or gone already, and feel helpless to reverse the situation. 
• They may be dealing with substance abuse or other addiction, or physical or mental illness in themselves or a loved one. 

There are also behaviors that must be immediately dealt with if a group is to progress: 

• A group member comes on strongly, and is demanding and insistent on having their own way. 
• They always need to be “top dog,” always in control of others.
• They are aggressive, hostile, and combative with a bad temper. 
• They try to divide up the group, alienating members from each other so they can gain control. 
• They ignore rules, considering themselves above the rules. 

Then there are people, who for some reason, act and perhaps feel superior to everyone around them.  The world would be a better place (for them) if everyone would just be quiet and follow their orders.  Everyone who disagrees with them is automatically wrong.  They want to be powerful and in absolute control of others who will do their bidding without question.  They are also selfish. 

This type of person has no sympathy for anyone. 

These people are not necessarily verbal abusers, but they are a destructive verbal force that must be dealt with.

We cannot automatically assume that people we meet and deal with have only good intentions.  We shouldn’t judge those we do not yet know, but we should have our own defensive weapons ready to use if we should need them.

Look Inside to their Pain

We have discussed some reasons people are hostile and destructive.  In the hierarchy of life, self is at the top.  If we have been thrown into a pit, we will make sure our world regains its balance by punishing someone else. 

Except for sociopaths, most aggressive and destructive verbal behavior comes from our need to share our pain.  What people say may have nothing whatever to do with you.  You may have just provided an opportunity for the hurting person to share their pain.

If possible, offer them empathy.  They are in pain.  They may reject your attempt but at least you tried. 

Defend Yourself

We teach people how to treat us.  Most people will push as far as they can, but if you push back, they will generally stop.  A silent lack of response will encourage them to push deeper.  A smart comeback before ignoring them will generally cause them to rethink the situation.

In the eighteenth century, when people dueled each other with single-shot revolvers, a smart duelist would wait and duck while his opponent fired his weapon.  He was then free to walk up to the other person and fire point-blank, ending the contest.

The lesson here is to avoid responding to an insult until you can defuse the situation, or minimize or eliminate the insulter.  They loaded their guns without warning.  It’s only fair that you reply when yours are loaded as well.

Remember, earning a reputation for handling insults will minimize insults thrown your way.  Chronic insulters are cowards.  They don’t want to risk being hurt in retaliation.

If someone unauthorized gives you an order or assignment, ignore it and don’t comply, or with a smile treat them like a child and ask “What’s the magic word?” 

This is a “who’s on top” maneuver.  If you follow the order, they raise their status over you.

After your response, look bored, yawn and walk away or turn your attention to something or someone else.  Refuse to engage the insulter or acknowledge their existence. 

Ignoring someone is the worst insult possible.
 

Comebacks when you don’t bite your tongue

“You hurt my feelings by saying that.”  “Why do you always want to hurt people?”

“Say something nice or don’t say anything at all.”

“Am I so much of a threat that you feel the need to insult me?”

“Do you feel more important now?”  “Does that make you feel better about yourself”

“I’m only interested in the opinions of people who deserve respect.”

“Careful, your unbalanced personality complex is showing.”

 “What university did you graduate from with that degree in…” (are you an expert?)

“Since almost everything else you say is wrong, that can’t be accurate.”

“Tell me in detail what you mean by that.  I’m sure we’ll all have a laugh at your attempt at evaluation (logic / analysis).”

Response to “Looks (brains/family/etc.) aren’t everything.”  “Yes, I guess you’d know about that, living with it.”

“If you want to get into it, you know what they say about people in glass houses.”

“You like paying dirty?  We (strength in numbers) have always known you were a pig.”

“People who need to boost their own egos by putting others down have a low opinion of themselves.  That is your problem, isn’t it?”  (instigating a defense and gaining time).

“I’m not taking your criticism anymore.”  Break off contact and be as good as your word.

Many people hide their insults and hostility behind humor.  “Insults pretending to be jokes are not funny, they are malicious.  Are you malicious and insecure, or just hateful?”

Stare at a part of their anatomy and say, “You really do have crooked teeth (are losing your hair / could lose some weight / etc.)”  (you can return the humor here – see how they like it).

Condescending tones of voice can attempt to insult, especially appearance.  Respond with a laugh and “Thanks, that’s just the look I’m after.”

Insulters who are not taken seriously are put down.  Minimize them and their insult. 

Command a vital life. Live free.