“Happy anniversary,” she said with a chuckle. 

Oops.  I had completely forgotten our anniversary.  The thing that saved me was so did she. 

We made our wedding date the day after Income tax many years ago when I had a business printing out tax returns for accounting and tax services at a computer center.  With last-minute tax preparations, the day after income tax was the first day I could schedule for anything.

Luckily, April 16 was a Saturday and my bride-to-be made all the preparations.  She ordered the cake, invited relatives and friends and even picked out my suit.  When I got up Saturday morning all I had to do was to get dressed. 

That was a small bump in the road we have traveled together for 32 years. 

But life happens and occasionally, normally important things get temporarily lost behind the smoke screen of the immediate problems that we must deal with. 

In the previous weeks, our life has been bumpy.  My middle-thirties daughter suffers from an insidious, incurable disease that has been acting up pretty severely recently.  She has a normal job, but has been sick so often recently, she went on Family Medical Leave (FMLA), a great federal program that allows her time off to go to the doctor and to the hospital to have her disease treated without getting her fired. 

On top of all the visits to local doctors, the Emergency Room and going through an endless array of drugs to try to make her disease manageable she has finally been referred to a surgical facility.  There is no other choice. 

The best hospital for the job is 90 miles away and there are more than several visits before the surgery. 

While my wife drives her down and back, I take care of our ‘almost’ seven-year-old grandson and relieve her of that stress.  We generally wind up together for dinner, and at least we can spend some pleasant time together. 

On another note, as the IRS deadline approached, our son, who made more than a fair amount selling items on Amazon last year, was a nearly nightly visitor to ask for the help of my accountant wife.  He also stayed many times for dinner as well. 

We love having our kids visit, although under these circumstances, it made for a rather hectic lifestyle.  So, April 15 came and went, and it didn’t even occur to me that the following day was our wedding anniversary day. 

I am grateful that my wife has a sense of humor and I rewarded her with an anniversary card and flowers, and we rewarded ourselves by going out to dinner (alone) at a nice restaurant. 

These are some examples of riding the bumps in the road.  We have no say in how life goes.  We can only try to react to circumstances thrust upon us.  And we have lived and been married long enough to ride the little bumps without breaking pace.  We have learned that life has enough of the big bumps. 

All in all, life happens and includes lots of bumps.

Live a vital life.

We will experience disappointment, setback and criticism.  The setback will slow our momentum.  Disappointment and criticism will take away our will to continue.  Our eye on the goal will be replaced by our eye on the exit.  How we respond will determine whether we succeed or fail.

Some suggestions to survive a bad day:

Ease the pressure

Don’t try to fix it – at least not today.  Whatever the setback was, it is done.  A cooler head can plan a new course around the roadblock.  A decision under pressure may have been one cause of the bad news, and making more decisions now will probably make it worse.

Leave the battle

Don’t dwell on or analyze the problem, it will just become an obsessive blame game, and most likely we will blame ourselves.  Take a break, take a walk, take the rest of the day off.  Refuse to think about the cause of the problem.  We will think more clearly when we distract ourselves.  The problem will still be there when we return.

As we calm down, and we are out of the “pressure cooker”, things become clearer.  Away from the battle field, solutions begin to creep in.  We are now working on solving a remote problem, not immersed in an engulfing catastrophe. 

Don’t play the martyr

Was it really only our fault?  Was the setback the result of events outside of our control?  Were we totally responsible?  Did we make decisions based on information given us?  Was there information we did not know?  We are not magicians and don’t have ESP. 

Did we do our part and perform all the tasks we were responsible for, on time, to get to a good outcome?  Maybe others had a part in the setback. 

Don’t volunteer for undeserved blame when everyone else is looking to find victims.  We need to analyze our part and the part others played.  We could wind up heroes if we can analyze the problem so it doesn’t happen again, plan the repair and return to course.

Don’t generalize or simplify

Resist the inclination to simplify the setback as personally caused and therefore never to be tried again.  Resist the life sentence of failure.  History is filled with stories of famous people who are famous because they refused to give up. 

There is wisdom in the philosophy to remount a horse that has just thrown us.  Returning to the battle after a short period of rest and reflection shows character, determination, and refusal to surrender. 

Wear the armor

We are a world that thrives on retribution.  After a setback, people will be pointing fingers – away from themselves, and toward any likely target.  The armor of course, is symbolic but can protect us anyway. 

Our first priority is our self-esteem.  Write down why this turned out to be a bad day—all the reasons.  Be factual.  Then write down what we are grateful for.  Put it into perspective.  Adopt a positive attitude.  This is our shield. 

Write down what we were responsible for and what was to be accomplished.  If we failed on a point, this is no time to avoid it.  It will sound better coming from us than an accuser.  And believe me, they will find it.  

Write down how to fix the setback and return to course.  If someone else failed and caused the setback, describe the event, not the person.  Everyone will know who it is.  This is our sword, don’t be afraid to show it. 

Discussing and documenting a setback and solution logically restarts our motivation and our will to continue to a successful goal.

This technique works whether the setback is on a group project, or a personal one.  Sometimes personal setbacks are the worst kind.  There is no one else to blame, and the accuser can be more vicious than any other.

Live a vital life.

Many of us follow conventional wisdom and gather together with friends and others on the eve of the New Year to review all the ways in which we are deficient as successful people.  We are unsuccessful for a variety of reasons, and perhaps after a few drinks loosened our tongues, we admitted our shortcomings and resolved to bring our scores up to par. 

Whether we vocalized them to friends or simply admitted them to ourselves, we made a lot of really ambitious promises.  As the first month of the New Year played out, we realized we either have no intention or are incapable of keeping those promises. 

So why can’t we keep those promises to ourselves? 

For one, the guardian of the promises is us, an easy taskmaster; quick to inject reasons for delay and quick to forgive compliance. 

For another, the resolutions are poorly thought out and for a third reason they generally require us to be someone we are not. 

Sooner or later we will realize that we don’t do well with major changes in direction, even if it is resolved with the deepest intention. 

Habits, as someone once described, are developed in the manner of a silken thread being woven into a cord.  The thread becomes thicker and thicker with each occurrence acting as a reinforcement, until it thickens into a Gordian knot. 

Now this is a good thing for good habits, but bad for those habits not so good.

The Gordian knot of legend was made so complex, that no one could undo it.  Alexander the Great tried and could not, so he cut it in two with a single blow from his sword. 

Now cutting a Gordian knot of habit or lifestyle with a single blow is romantic but not practical for most of us unless it involves having surgery. 

In reality we need to change things on a much smaller scale.

We won’t do well and shouldn’t try to change our life in a single day or single week or single month.  What we need is a series of fresh starts and modest changes.  Small things we can change are very important. 

Instead of seeing how far away the end is on our huge projects, we need to break them into smaller projects.  These smaller projects can be constantly restarted if necessary, moving forward in small increments and needing less and less work to complete. 

Constant moving forward in small increments means constant accomplishment. 

Two examples we may resolve are quitting smoking and weight loss.  Many of us want to quit smoking for a number of reasons, but the process of leaving the addiction is doomed to failure without a plan, and maybe some help.

What if we counted our number of smokes in a day, and reduced it by one every week, and smoked only half?  It’s just an idea.  And if we slipped back to a higher level, it probably would be fewer than when we started.   

Don’t focus on failure, just restart from the new level. 

In the area of weight loss, many of us feel we must lose tons of weight.  It is overwhelming just to think about it.  But what if the number was only down to the next five-pound mark on the scale?  That wouldn’t be too bad.  The most we have to lose will be five pounds.  Once we are solid at that level we can restart and focus on the next level. 

A word of caution here.  We all know that diet and exercise in combination will bring us to our goal, but starvation denies us the fuel to burn calories.  We have no energy, we lose muscle mass, and our adaptable body becomes scrawny and learns to live on virtually nothing. 

In my early college days, I could have earned a PhD in cramming techniques.  I really believed I could learn a foreign language in three days.  But life is a great teacher, and eventually I got the “plan ahead” concept right.   

By embracing the “plan ahead” concept and focusing on small changes and adjustments to our lifestyles every day, we can conquer huge goals. 

And our “small goal” achievements will tell us when we should adjust goals up or down.

This method is great news for the next New Years party.  We will not have to make resolutions we have no plan for and no intention of keeping.  We will know that we have been resolving and accomplishing every day during the year, and we can really enjoy that party. 

It is time for us to effect solutions.  Make the list.  Make the plan.  Today. 

Live a Vital life.

Inspiration for this article comes from Merlin Mann’s 43 Folders

We are not robots, although sometimes the dullness of life can make us feel that way.  At various stages of our lives, we are overwhelmed by the boredom of daily living.  I guess that is what winter vacations are for. 

There are many diversions built into our lives to relieve boredom.  There is the latest movie or album to entertain us for a brief period, there are events and activities of all kinds to break up our days, too many to mention.  Each one offers an invitation to participate. 

Back to the scribbled note, it names a major reason for living is to have a little joy.  What dismal persons are those who have no joy. 

Joy might be discussed as internal happiness.  We all know people who run the range from being nonstop happy (sometimes very annoying) to nonstop unhappy.  We should focus on the middle ground. 

Let’s look at it from the backside. We know a lot of things that will make us unhappy (supply your own list here) and by eliminating them from our lives (where possible) our happiness index will naturally rise. 

If our lives are weighed down by responsibilities, see them through and don’t renew. 

Once we have a written list of what makes us unhappy, we can also make a list of what would make us happy, and try them out, one at a time.  Then we know if it stays or goes from the list.  We should be creative and not hold back.  We may not ever have the opportunity to “run away with the circus,” but on that list will be a lot of dreams that could become reality if we follow that path.  

Now that’s a reason for living.

We should be careful what we wish for.  Winning the lottery, as an example, should make us happy, but many people who have won wind up unhappy, plagued by relentless appeals for money. 

A major item that makes people unhappy is lack of control over their life activities.  The punishment of imprisonment is more than the lack of freedom; it is the lack of control over the person’s life.  They can make almost no choices of their own. 

Many of us are caught in a web of our own making.  As we mature, obligations seem magically to accumulate and we are driven by them.  We feel we are losing control over large portions of our lives.  We are not happy, and can’t pin the reason why. 

Feeling helpless and loss of control makes us unhappy. 

We must be careful to combat those feelings early.  Left to themselves they will get worse and may cause depression.  People give up living when they lose all control. 

We should go back to that list or make a new list of things that obligate us and things that draw us to them.  Rate them on some scale, positive for the things we want to do and would make us happy, negative for the things that make us unhappy. 

Keep in mind that an obligation like college tuition for a child will result in the happiness of seeing that person graduate with a career.   

If there are relationship issues, there are thousands of articles and mentors that can help us deal with and improve them.

Make it a hobby to work on the list, taking steps forward to raise the negative ratings and gain free time to pursue the positive items that will bring us joy. 

Now that’s another reason for living. 

Finally, feeling useless makes us unhappy. 

We are social animals, and it is built into our genes to help others.  We can volunteer for something that helps another person.  It is one thing to send money, but physically working to help others face to face makes us feel useful and gives us deeper satisfaction. 

Can we make someone’s life better by helping them in some way that would only get done with our efforts?  Try it.  You’ll feel great.  

And that’s another reason for living. 

Don’t give up living and don’t “run away with the circus.” 

Be useful; be happy. 

Live a vital life.

Bingham interweaves challenges to his audience with advice to the people he fires.  In his motivational talks, he sets up an empty backpack as a focus point.

He associates the backpack with the burdens we carry through our lives and challenges his listeners to consider what is in their backpacks, and how as we travel through life we become bogged down by our ‘stuff’ and by our commitments to people. 

Bingham preaches to his audience, How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life… you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks; then you start adding larger stuff; clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV… the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home… I want you to stuff it all into that backpack.

Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office… and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets; your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack. Feel the weight of that bag.

Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life; all those negotiations and arguments and secrets; the compromises.

As we watch this scene, we start to think about what we are carrying around, our burdens and our connections to different parts of our life.  A friend of mine described each burden as a golden thread, securing us more firmly in the cage of our life. 

Bingham points out that it is with our backpacks that we journey through life.  For most of us, our backpacks are pretty heavy.  Can we enjoy our journey with all that weight on our backs?

What’s in your backpack? 

The weight 

Can you feel how heavy the backpack is?  We weigh ourselves down to the point where we can’t move.  Bingham says, “Your relationships are the heaviest components of your life.” 

Bingham preaches we can choose not to be weighed down with objects.  In truth, we all accumulate lots of currently useless items over time.  They are the items that once had value to us but no longer.  

He also advocates the letting go of pesky personal relationships, praising the avoidance of commitments and connections. 

We must remember that this advice comes from a man whose entire wardrobe is contained in his airline carry-on bag, has no friends or intimate relationships, and whose lifestyle has made him a stranger to his family. 

His backpack is as empty as his life. 

The Moving Journey: 

Bingham also advocates continuous moving through life.  He considers he is at home in airports and on flights.  Experiences are more important than objects. Moving is living.   

The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake; moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks. 

He thinks of himself as a shark, but not in the competitive sense.  Sharks never stop or sleep.  Sharks have no relationships; they die if they stop swimming. 

In Bingham’s mind, relationships slow you down or hold you back.  He has none in his backpack.  He has even become a stranger to his family, being always on the move, no longer a part of his family.  As his older sister suggests when she asks him for a favor, I know you have a problem with doing things for people. 

His journey involves a quest to achieve ten million frequent flyer miles on the airline he uses exclusively for his travel.  He will be only the seventh passenger to achieve this, and the youngest.  For flying coast to coast more than 3,000 times, he will have his name written on the side of an airplane.  [This guy has issues]

Connections

Bingham is a man who spends his life making connections – between planes.  He also spends his work time severing connections – for others.  He fires people in corporate downsizing.  In his words, we set them adrift when they are most vulnerable. 

His cost is to avoid making any people connections for himself.  He doesn’t know how to connect with people or even if he wants to.

His older sister observes, You’re awfully isolated, the way you live.  Walking through a crowd, Bingham returns with, Isolated?  I’m surrounded.  She further points out that he lives in a cocoon of self-banishment with no human connection. 

But connections find him.  At his younger sister’s wedding, her groom, Jim gets cold feet and Bingham is pushed forward to handle it. 

Jim tells Bingham that the night before, he couldn’t sleep.  He started to think about his future – wedding, buying a house, mortgage, having kids, paying college tuition, having grandkids, and eventually, death.  Jim is mentally packing his backpack and reeling from the perceived weight of the staggering baggage. 

“What’s the point?” he asks. 

Bingham is caught in a connection where he must preach the exact opposite of what his base philosophy is. 

He admits that what Jim say is all true.  There is no point.  But if you think about your favorite moments, your most important moments in life, you were never alone.  Life’s better with company.  Everybody needs a co-pilot. 

Wakeup call

The wedding and his intervention wake up feelings in Bingham that perhaps he would enjoy his moving journey more with his own co-pilot.  After years of carrying his own empty backpack, he thinks maybe he wants to put something back in.  He seeks out his casual intimate fellow traveler and finds she has a family of her own. 

Where he considered her only a distraction, she considered him the same.  He finds it’s tough looking in a mirror, having yourself look back, and disliking what you see. 

After years of telling the people he terminates that the firing is a wakeup call for them, Bingham receives his own wakeup call.  

Do we need a wakeup call?

Repack

From his book, What’s In Your Backpack? John Bytheway recalls the pack one of his fellow Scouts that he lugged up a steep trail. “He had things in his pack that were too heavy, that he didn’t need, that weighed him down, and that made the hike a lot harder than it needed to be.”

What does this all teach us? 

We don’t have to be like Bingham, with only three shirts and no connections in his backpack.  However, periodic examination of our backpacks and our lives will certainly reveal unnecessary former treasures we can put aside and relationships that are holding us back from what will make us truly happy. 

Perhaps we are carrying bad habits, procrastination, a poor self-image, guilt, unresolved feelings and hindering relationships.  We could replace them with a capacity to love, energy, courage to follow our own path and supporting relationships that inspire us to move ahead with purpose.  Perhaps it is as simple as emptying a garage stuffed with former treasures.

After we purge those heavy burdens and change some of those relationships, we can pick up our backpack and it will feel just right.

What’s in your backpack?
 

The critics are voicing their petty jealousy.  People like that can generally be heard issuing negative comments any time someone else gets rewarded.  They deserve our pity. 

Perhaps it is really not jealousy.  There is a fine line between jealousy and envy.  Jealousy and envy both are emotions that refer to negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity.  Jealousy involves fear of loss to another of something valuable.  Envy involves resentment of something valuable given to another, especially if they feel the receiving person did not deserve it.   

Whether jealousy or envy, it is a negative emotion that paints the critic an ugly shade of green. 
 

The Critics

Google “Obama Nobel peace prize” and read the nearly 20 million articles pro and con as to whether our president should have received the award. 

The best thing about this country is everyone’s Constitutional right to offer an opinion, no matter the viewpoint.  It is one of our national entertainments. 

Culling out the harshly negative comments from the Arab world like the Taliban, Al Qaeda, and other Obama-haters like Republican party leader Rush Limbaugh and other conservatives (big surprise), reactions are mixed between “too early” and congratulations.  

As a side note, it is encouraging that American conservatives and the Taliban have finally found something to agree on. 

Breaking with his conservative colleagues, Arizona Senator John McCain congratulated the president and said Americans should be pleased with the award. 

The Nobel Committee

Thorbjorn Jagland, chair of the committee and a former Norwegian prime minister, rejected critics underestimating the definite changes Obama has already made in U.S. policy.

During the announcement press conference in Oslo, Jagland declared that the Committee wanted to demonstrate support for the approaches Obama is taking toward global problems.  ”We are not awarding the prize for what may happen in the future but for what [Obama] has done in the previous year.”  

Jagland ”stressed that it [the Committee] made its decision based on Mr. Obama’s actual efforts toward nuclear disarmament as well as American engagement with the world relying more on diplomacy and dialogue.”

Norwegians have been entrusted with choosing the Nobel Peace prizewinner because of their track record as objective arbitrators.   Obama was selected from a record 205 nominations. 

Many critics offer their opinions due to political party affiliation or to get attention through negative reviews.  The critics may think they are doing a service by pointing out a truth, but the ugliness of envy they hold inside always shows through. 

There is many times a tinge of envy when some else wins a prize that we fantasize should go to someone else (perhaps even us).  In the case of the Peace prize, we should avoid speaking out critically and showing our green envy because, after all, it is the Nobel committee’s prize to give.

The Peace prize is an award to our entire nation, given to our president as the leader.  According to the Nation Brand Index, the USA jumped from 7th to 1st of the most admired countries list (never before achieved) because all Americans elected Obama.  The list shows that the world sees the USA with a new respect.  

Obama in his 9 months in office, has completely changed America’s foreign policy, is making us reengage and lead on major global challenges and has done more to promote peace and stability than anyone else in recent times.  The prize rewards our nation where something profound is happening. 

This is a time to be proud of this country and of America’s renewed status as leader of the free world.

We all know the President has a lot more work to do. Let us all congratulate him as well as ourselves for the award and leave the jealousy and negative rhetoric to those petty others who look to tear down anything good that happens to anyone else.  

 
The Nobel Prize

Since 1901, the Nobel Prize has been honoring men and women without regard to nationality for outstanding achievements in physics, chemistry, medicine, literature, and for effective work in furthering peace.

The foundation for the award was when Alfred Nobel (scientist, inventor, entrepreneur, author and pacifist) wrote his last will in 1895, leaving roughly the equivalent of 250 million dollars U.S. for the establishment of the Nobel Prize from the interest gathered.  

Nobel owned a major armaments factory and was the inventor of dynamite.  He found a safe method to manufacture and use nitroglycerin by blending it with absorbent diatomaceous earth (cat litter). 

He was condemned by many as the “merchant of death” who “became rich by finding ways to kill more people faster than ever before” and this opinion is said to have influenced his decision to leave himself a better legacy after his death.  

To achieve that legacy, he provided in his will that the Peace prize should go “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between the nations and the abolition or reduction of standing armies and the formation and spreading of peace congresses.”

The Nobel Committee’s interpretation of his guidelines has broadened over the years. The prize is now awarded not only for concentrated efforts to bring peace between nations, but also to combat poverty, disease and recently, climate change. 

The Peace prize is not a lifetime achievement award.  It doesn’t require recipients to completely succeed in their efforts.  Many have received the prize without solving the problem they had worked toward ending.  There were also years the Nobel Peace prize was not awarded. 

 
Recipients

There are many Nobel Peace Prize Recipients who have been received the award for their work in improving our world, including using nuclear energy for peaceful instead of military purposes, and awareness of man-made climate change.  Those issues as well as others are still incomplete, yet the prize was awarded. 

President Theodore Roosevelt won it in 1906 and President Woodrow Wilson was given the prize in 1919.   Obama is the third sitting U.S. president to win the Nobel Peace prize.

Jimmy Carter won it 2002, but was not in office at the time. Former Vice-President Al Gore was awarded the prize in 2007 for his efforts to raise awareness about global warming.

They hurt.  Even if we are the most confident of people, they draw blood as they are meant to do.  Our human reaction is to retaliate with an insult that is worse that will draw more blood.  We have also seen children in the playground escalating their verbal taunts, which in some cases leads to blows.

As adults, we have a little more control over our anger, and if we know a few things, can fend off and minimize the insults without saying something we will regret forever.

Definition

You bite or hold your tongue to keep yourself quiet, even when you really want to speak out, but you know you should not say what you want to say.

Biting or holding your tongue is the opposite of speaking your mind, which is what you say to someone who says something that you disapprove of or makes you angry.

Examples

“I wanted to tell her what I really thought of her.”
“She asked me if I liked her… and I just bit my tongue and nodded.”
“They asked me is there was something wrong with them and I just bit my tongue and nodded ‘no.’”

People insulting themselves under mental black clouds (probably the least harmful):

“I hate my hair, body, job.”
“I hate doing the dishes.”
“I’ll never get along with my Mom, sister, …”
“I’m always getting sick or coming down with something.”
“I’ll probably end up with cancer.”
“I’ll never meet anyone.  I’ll die young an alone.”
“I just know something bad will happen.”

People insulting family members and those around them:

“My kid is driving me crazy!”
“So and so is so lazy.”
“So and so has no taste.”
“So and so is just a rotten %$*&.”

People insulting you:

“You have no taste.”
“You screw everything up.”
“Why don’t you do something right for a change?”
Fill in the blanks … the list goes on.

The Attack

We’ll talk mostly about people hurling insulting remarks at you.

The way a barb hurts is that it catches us unaware.  It comes out in a friendly conversation or gathering and stuns us into inaction while our brain processes a response.  It is similar to standing on a railroad track or road watching an approaching train or truck bear down.  That is what the insulter is counting on.

Many times, the first muscle that reacts is the tongue.  Retaliate!  Say anything.  Again, the insulter is counting on your saying something foolish that can be referred to and used against you in a future embarrassing manner.

The objective is power over you.  Even when it is a family member or spouse, there is a struggle to be the “alpha dog” or the group’s highest power.  The most effective way is to minimize or eliminate all competition. 

Believe it or not, the insulter may not think of it as an insult, but something that in their mind, must be said to improve you or the current situation.

What can you do? 
 
Minimize or eliminate

Facing conflict is hard.  It prevents cooperative problem solving and resolution.  Everyone wants peace and harmony, but most want it their way.  Having the skills to manage conflict can greatly improve the outcome.   

The easiest “gibers” to handle are the windbags; they “shotgun” criticism in every direction.  Everyone (except them) in charge of anything is at fault for their miserable lives.  Windbags are exhaling hot air, and like hot air balloons will collapse when they run out.

The worst thing to do is to fuel their furnace by engaging them in their ranting.  They are looking for someone to waste their energy by engaging and empowering them.  Denying them any response will cause them to deflate.

Postponing debate until emotions return to normal levels allow you to formulate a strategic defense.  Resist pressure to respond immediately.  Take a time out.  Refuse to blurt out something you will later regret.  This strategy strengthens your position.  Postponing minimizes their importance since their issue doesn’t have to be resolved immediately.
 
Duck and Cover

For most of the range of insults thrown your way, you can duck by ignoring the remark and allowing it to fly by; you can deflect the remark by correcting the insulter’s use of language, intent or object behind the insult; or you can cover yourself with facts and data and use the postpone tactic.

By summing up and paraphrasing their viewpoints, comments and insults (“what I hear you saying is …”), you are reinforcing your right to reply, as well as giving you time to think of a strategy.  Summarizing shows that you have been listening and are trying to understand the issue.  Repeating may highlight to others the foolishness or falseness of their comment or delivery.  Communicating your need and desire to understand takes the emphasis from the insult and focuses on the issues and the pettiness of the insulter.

Verbal Abusers

Perhaps the hardest insulter to handle is the verbal abuser.  Abusers live for the next time they can victimize someone.  They are the professionals in the insulting arena.  Their insults are pointed and hurtful, coming from years if experience in hurting others.  They often appear pleasant at first, putting others at ease.

Good manners and consideration for another’s feelings usually stops most of us from voicing our criticism to specifically hurt another.  Abusers have no such restraint.  Abusers recognize no boundaries, are insensitive, inconsiderate, and ignorant of acceptable social behavior, or freely insult, put-down and unfairly criticize others.  We’ve all experienced it, the insult masked as humor or ‘advice’ that stuns us and leaves us speechless.  The damage is usually well done to undermine our self-esteem.

Dealing with an abuser requires taking off the gloves and NOT biting your tongue.  There is an old saying that goes, “don’t wrestle with a pig because you’ll get mud all over you and the pig enjoys it.”  They have met their match if you are willing to get down in the mud as well.

The only way to silence an abuser in my experience is to stamp them into silence with a more insulting remark, then leave the subject and deny them a comeback.  It has to be done with a smile and a laser lock on their gaze. 

A typical remark might be, “I thank you for your attempt at helpful advice, which can be expected from someone of questionable breeding, but let’s move on.”  Then turn your back and refuse to acknowledge anything they may say.  Instead of biting your tongue, bite theirs.

No one likes to be ignored, and abusers thrive on the after-reaction of embarrassment from their victims.  You have also put them on the defensive by alluding to their heritage (whether true or not). 

While they are defending their breeding, deny them your presence.  Ignore them.  Cancel them from your existence.  Speak through them in a group as if they didn’t exist and continue the treatment for an extended period.  They deserve no consideration, no acceptable social behavior. 

Peek Behind the mask

Every day we face the casual cruelty of many of the people we come in contact with.  Human beings have a tendency to assess and judge each other by their own standards.  What really causes people to hurl hurting insults?

Some people don’t like other people for a multitude of background reasons.  Perhaps there is a deep secret that is still an open wound; perhaps there is a chemical repulsion between their personalities; perhaps the victim simply reminds the insulter of someone they hate.  The list is endless. 

There are other reasons that if known may allow you to give them some slack and bite your tongue:

• They may be simply having a bad day.  We all have lives outside our immediate association and others are not privy to the disappointments others may have suffered.
• They may have had a major disappointment and are just angry at the world, looking to make others feel as bad as they do.  They will eventually regret any hurt they cause.
• For some unknown and unmeant reason, you may have crossed their breaking point in a succession of social defeats, and they pick you to vent out some steam. 
• They may have poor impulse control, lacking the training or ability to stop before their behavior damages others. 
• They may have very low self esteem, are needy or dependent and have held in their comments for too long. 
• They may see their business, job, or a loving relationship slipping away or gone already, and feel helpless to reverse the situation. 
• They may be dealing with substance abuse or other addiction, or physical or mental illness in themselves or a loved one. 

There are also behaviors that must be immediately dealt with if a group is to progress: 

• A group member comes on strongly, and is demanding and insistent on having their own way. 
• They always need to be “top dog,” always in control of others.
• They are aggressive, hostile, and combative with a bad temper. 
• They try to divide up the group, alienating members from each other so they can gain control. 
• They ignore rules, considering themselves above the rules. 

Then there are people, who for some reason, act and perhaps feel superior to everyone around them.  The world would be a better place (for them) if everyone would just be quiet and follow their orders.  Everyone who disagrees with them is automatically wrong.  They want to be powerful and in absolute control of others who will do their bidding without question.  They are also selfish. 

This type of person has no sympathy for anyone. 

These people are not necessarily verbal abusers, but they are a destructive verbal force that must be dealt with.

We cannot automatically assume that people we meet and deal with have only good intentions.  We shouldn’t judge those we do not yet know, but we should have our own defensive weapons ready to use if we should need them.

Look Inside to their Pain

We have discussed some reasons people are hostile and destructive.  In the hierarchy of life, self is at the top.  If we have been thrown into a pit, we will make sure our world regains its balance by punishing someone else. 

Except for sociopaths, most aggressive and destructive verbal behavior comes from our need to share our pain.  What people say may have nothing whatever to do with you.  You may have just provided an opportunity for the hurting person to share their pain.

If possible, offer them empathy.  They are in pain.  They may reject your attempt but at least you tried. 

Defend Yourself

We teach people how to treat us.  Most people will push as far as they can, but if you push back, they will generally stop.  A silent lack of response will encourage them to push deeper.  A smart comeback before ignoring them will generally cause them to rethink the situation.

In the eighteenth century, when people dueled each other with single-shot revolvers, a smart duelist would wait and duck while his opponent fired his weapon.  He was then free to walk up to the other person and fire point-blank, ending the contest.

The lesson here is to avoid responding to an insult until you can defuse the situation, or minimize or eliminate the insulter.  They loaded their guns without warning.  It’s only fair that you reply when yours are loaded as well.

Remember, earning a reputation for handling insults will minimize insults thrown your way.  Chronic insulters are cowards.  They don’t want to risk being hurt in retaliation.

If someone unauthorized gives you an order or assignment, ignore it and don’t comply, or with a smile treat them like a child and ask “What’s the magic word?” 

This is a “who’s on top” maneuver.  If you follow the order, they raise their status over you.

After your response, look bored, yawn and walk away or turn your attention to something or someone else.  Refuse to engage the insulter or acknowledge their existence. 

Ignoring someone is the worst insult possible.
 

Comebacks when you don’t bite your tongue

“You hurt my feelings by saying that.”  “Why do you always want to hurt people?”

“Say something nice or don’t say anything at all.”

“Am I so much of a threat that you feel the need to insult me?”

“Do you feel more important now?”  “Does that make you feel better about yourself”

“I’m only interested in the opinions of people who deserve respect.”

“Careful, your unbalanced personality complex is showing.”

 “What university did you graduate from with that degree in…” (are you an expert?)

“Since almost everything else you say is wrong, that can’t be accurate.”

“Tell me in detail what you mean by that.  I’m sure we’ll all have a laugh at your attempt at evaluation (logic / analysis).”

Response to “Looks (brains/family/etc.) aren’t everything.”  “Yes, I guess you’d know about that, living with it.”

“If you want to get into it, you know what they say about people in glass houses.”

“You like paying dirty?  We (strength in numbers) have always known you were a pig.”

“People who need to boost their own egos by putting others down have a low opinion of themselves.  That is your problem, isn’t it?”  (instigating a defense and gaining time).

“I’m not taking your criticism anymore.”  Break off contact and be as good as your word.

Many people hide their insults and hostility behind humor.  “Insults pretending to be jokes are not funny, they are malicious.  Are you malicious and insecure, or just hateful?”

Stare at a part of their anatomy and say, “You really do have crooked teeth (are losing your hair / could lose some weight / etc.)”  (you can return the humor here – see how they like it).

Condescending tones of voice can attempt to insult, especially appearance.  Respond with a laugh and “Thanks, that’s just the look I’m after.”

Insulters who are not taken seriously are put down.  Minimize them and their insult.

Consider that today’s life expectancy at birth (2005-present) in the USA averages 77.5 – 80 years with Western Europe in the same category.  Canada, Sweden, Iceland, along with France, Japan and Australia average over 80 years and Russia checks in with 65 – 67.5 year average (so much for the cold climate theory).

The USA position depends on who’s counting the member states.  We are at 30^th (CIA World Factbook-221 countries) or 38^th (United Nations-195 countries).  Twenty years ago, we were roughly 11^th.  Major reason:  Wealthy life style has made us obese, causing health problems and death in later life, combined with 36 million (12 percent of the population) living below the poverty line with inadequate healthcare.

We should feel grateful.  In 1940, average life expectancy was around 63.  By 1980 it had jumped to 73.7.  And here we are in 2009 at 78.  And the longer we live, the longer we can expect to live.  A 50-year old can expect to live another 30 years.  A 70-year old can expect another 14 years, and an 80-year old can have another 8 years.

Averages

All those figures are averages, plotted over this country’s entire 307 million-person population.  But people who live in rural areas with lower economic conditions have shorter life spans due to harder conditions, poor diet, less medical care.  People also have their lives ended due to war, accidents, and illnesses. 

Maybe this is a selfish position, but averages mean that every person who comes to the end of their lives at an age lower than the average, leaves a spot above the average.  On average, passing fifty, I can safely expect at least another 30 years, despite a chance accident or illness.  And, I had four grandparents who lived into their nineties.  I’ll make sure to take care of myself to get there and beyond.  I’m halfway there.

Living in the Now

Whatever time remains, I have learned to live today.  Although I make plans for the future, I have learned to live in the “now” because of those chance accidents or illnesses.  Today is the most important day in my life, because it is the only one I can control to some extent. 

Yesterday is gone and events cannot be rewritten.  Dr. Phil McGraw has an expression, “You can’t un-ring the bell.”

Reasons to enjoy

I have been right and I have been wrong.  I have been judgmental.  At this point in my life, I’ve had friends die (those accidents and illnesses), seen and lived and endured suffering in my own life, and been humbled more times than I care to remember or relate.  And through it all I have learned compassion for others discovering their own flaws and helplessness in situations thrust upon them.

I have been embarrassed so many times I’m all out of humiliation.

I have come to realize that I hardly know anything in the overall scheme of things.  When I was young, I knew it all, but as I got older, the “all” grew faster than what I knew, and I couldn’t keep up.  When I let go “the world’s steering wheel” and accepted the beliefs of others as real to them and just as valid as mine, my life got easier and less stressful. 

I associate with people of all ages.  The younger ones still have their dreams and bathe me with their excitement and enthusiasm.  They travel paths I will never see, but they carry me with them in their imaginings.  We trade advice and they keep me away from that judgment seat.  I encourage them and they divert me away from my old uncertainties.

Studies tell me that now I’m a better judge of character than when I was younger, my brain uses both sides at once, making it more efficient, and I’m less neurotic than I used to be.  I still worry about the problems the world faces, but I have enough experiences to know how quickly the course of events can take a new direction.  My hope is that it will be for the better.

I’m in better physical shape now than when I was 30.

It will be tough for young people to believe, but sex gets better with age.  It’s more about intimacy than gymnastics.  There is help at the pharmacy for any physical shortcomings, and there are no chance pregnancies.  We’ve witnessed each other at our best and our worst and have come to appreciate the beautiful interior even as our exteriors age.

Each of my grandchildren is a joy for me to see them grow in their personalities as well as their bodies.  And money can buy some happiness, whether it is a toy, an ice cream or a day at an amusement park.  This is my now as well as my future.  I learn from their live-in-the-moment, don’t-ask-where-this-came-from attitude.  I’ve been a parent.  Now, let’s have some fun.

Live a vital life.  Live free.

Anthony had proven himself a capable airline passenger and had flown several times alone under airline supervision between Myrtle Beach and Newark.  That transportation practice went off the discussion list when, on February 12, 2009, Continental Flight 3407, flying from Newark Liberty International Airport to Buffalo Niagara International Airport plowed into the ground, killing all on board.  The plane was a almost-new two-engine turboprop, 74-seat Bombardier Dash 8 Q400, the exact plane that Anthony traveled on.

So now, his father drives down from New York, picks Anthony up and drives back.  I miss him already.  It’s amazing to me how attached we get to the children in our lives.  I’ve become used to seeing Anthony almost every day, and now he will be away for six weeks.

It is easier now than the first summer he was away.  Emotions were still running high about how his father sired another child while still married to my daughter.  Anthony was still very young, and we were afraid he wouldn’t be emotionally well cared for. 

In truth, that first summer was hard on Anthony.  His father had promised to enroll him in a summer day camp, but was unable to keep that promise.  Anthony spent the days with his grandmother, a wonderful lady, but a Portuguese immigrant who has never learned to speak English.  Everyone was frustrated and Anthony was happy to come home.

But time marches on, people mature, and emotions return to normal levels.  Anthony’s father calls him almost every day, if only to ask how was his school day.  If Anthony doesn’t look forward to his summer, he is not against it.  He gets to see his cousins and the other side of his family.  His father’s current companion seems genuinely interested in spending time with Anthony.  She might be a teacher, although details are sketchy.

The importance of father is that he is there for Anthony and Anthony can reach out and touch him.  The worst circumstance for a child is to grow up reaching out for his father and finding only empty space.

 
Irene brought two young children to our marriage.  When she divorced, their father considered all ties broken.  Since he had opted completely out of their upbringing, I embraced them as my own.  But it bothered me that they would grow up not knowing their biological father. 

Let’s just say, I “influenced” him to take at least a small part in their lives.  He was an occasional visitor at best, and in later years, I learned he wanted distance because he felt he was not good with small children.

Unfortunately, even with contact, he had a strong preference for his male child, and considered his female child not worth his time.  Kristy, at a young age, learned to use his guilt to turn the financial screw at the holidays.  And to this day, she refers to him impersonally as “my father” while I am “daddy.”

But again, time marches on, and we invited him to their weddings (although I walked Kristy down the aisle).  He did give each of them a HUGE financial gift, and at Kristy’s wedding, he hugged me and thanked me for raising them.

Today, he has retired to South Carolina and lives about half an hour away.  Both children see him several times a year, but they are still not that close.

The importance of father in this case, is that his biological children know their base of origin.  The children know who their father is, and it helps them know who they are and where they fit in the scheme of things. 

 
When I was divorced, my ex wanted me totally gone from her life (except for my total income).  In the more than three decades since, she has not changed her opinion about wanting me gone.  But I always promised my children I would always be there for them.

It was tough to visit my three children, because even when I arrived on my bi-weekly weekend with my court order, she would call the police and try to have me arrested.  The standard procedure in domestic disputes was to separate the parties.  The officers understood what was happening but had their procedure to follow.  I came to know those two lawmen pretty well, and we had lunch together on more than one occasion.

The following Monday mornings found me in court filing a violation of visiting rights.  There were many court appearances before my ex was threatened with removal of the children if it happened even once more.  Then it stopped.

My oldest son played high school football.  It was important to him that he knew I was there, so I went to many games and sat quietly in the stands.  It wasn’t my visitation time, so I had to avoid contact, but he saw me.  My ex tried to make something out of it, but I held that it was a public event, and I was visiting someone else.

The animosity and bitterness continued over the years.  My oldest son joined the Air Force on his graduation from high school, and my youngest son petitioned the court on his 13^th birthday (earliest possible date) to live with me (granted).

My daughter bought into the daily brainwashing about what an evil person I was, to the extent that none of my family or I were invited to her wedding.  That stung, but I did save $40,000.  Years since have healed the relationship between us.

Through all the acrimony, my children knew I was always there for them.  Through good and bad times, I tried to be a constant force of support.  Friends have likened me to the sea – even granite cannot stand against the constant waves.

The importance of father from my viewpoint was to instill confidence in my children that I would never leave them as some fathers might after divorce.  Even though we did not live together, I would be a constant presence in their lives, and they could always reach out to me when they needed me.  And it worked.

 
My father’s most important attribute was that he was always there for me as the head of our family.  He taught me the many important things that a father teaches a son, shaping my character by lesson and example.  And as I think back on my heritage, I know where my lineage came from through him.  From grandparents and mother born in Norway, I can point to a map and pinpoint my generations.

I cannot trace my ancestors by name past my grandparents and their families.  Norwegian family records still reside mainly with local churches and Norwegian custom, until into the early twentieth century, was for the husband to take the wife’s surname, which often was the name of the Norwegian borough of her birth.  Men that kept their last name often wound up as Olsen (Ole’s son) or Pedersen (Peder’s son) or similar.

What I know without a doubt is that my lineage goes back to Viking times.  Even if I am descended from pillagers and conquerors, I can imagine my roots perhaps touched England and Ireland with the Viking (Norman) invasion, and who knows, I might be distantly related to royalty. 

The importance of my father here is that he is a portal to my past, and it grounds me in confidence that I can look back to my ancestors and see myself as a link in my ancestral chain.  He taught me his skills and values as his father taught him.  I continued the tradition by teaching them to my children, and perhaps they will teach similar values to their offspring. 

My father was very important in my life, and even though he is now gone, I can still reach out and touch my memories of the times we had together.

Happy Father’s Day

Of course, for those who don’t live in any society on this planet, those days includes at the very least:

• Birthday
• Anniversary
• Christmas (or similar winter celebrations)
• Valentine’s Day (that 24-hour obligatory affirmation, confirmation, demonstration, exhibition, test and proof of eternal love)

Symbols of proof include (also at the very least):

• Red roses or bouquet of flowers
• Candlelight dinners, preferably in expensive restaurants, complete with champagne
• Surprise weekend getaways
• Gifts, preferably expensive and preferably jewelry

Miss one event and a guy will be reminded until he draws his last breath on this earth. 
 

Does that seem unusually harsh toward the ladies? 

It is only directed toward those who can take ownership of that behavior, or are all about “me.”  It excuses ladies who get vacuum cleaners and the like from their guys on these occasions.

When a guy has to and is expected to give proof repeatedly, it just becomes a job that has to be done.  The roses degrade to flowers that are good enough to pass muster.  The dinners regress to not-so-expensive restaurants.  Forget the champagne and candlelight.  In addition, the jewelry gifts are reduced to whatever is on sale. 

That doesn’t sound romantic to me. 
 

Romance is defined as the colorful world, life, and conditions from novels and other prose narratives depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, and romantic exploits usually in a historical or imaginary setting.  It is a romantic spirit, sentiment, emotion or desire; a romantic character or quality. 

It is also defined as a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration and fanciful invention.

When used as a verb, it means to court or woo romantically; to treat with ardor or chivalrousness.  But it also means to invent or relate romances, and indulge in fanciful or extravagant stories or daydreams.

When a guy woos a girl, the roses, the dinners and the gifts are many times all used with the intent of cementing that relationship.  And once it is lawfully bonded, attention is turned to living life on a daily basis.

I’m sure Snow White was very happy to be carried off by her prince, until she found out his castle had 143 rooms that had to be swept every day among her other wifely chores.  I’m sure the ladies in King Arthur’s court were very happy to be courted by handsome knights, but not all of us are knights and ladies with servants to do all the dirty work.  Most of us are the servants. 

It is no wonder there are daydreams of more romantic scenes.

The daily grind where one or both work to pay bills and build a better life was in the original plan, but it wasn’t seen as the daily grind.  Daydreams painted a happier life. 

But life expands to include children and more problems and more joys.  Now, the goal seems to be to hit the sack at the end of the day.  Has anything stayed the same? 

Yes.  You still have each other. 

From that definition, “romantic spirit” is something we can work with.  At the basic level, romance is the demonstration of consideration, sensitivity and thoughtfulness and through that an expression of love. 

It’s just that (here’s a thought) guys and their ladies are different.  The girls visualize romantic behavior with the flowers, dinners and gifts, but guys have a different take on romantic behavior.

Guys are more practical in their approach.  Maybe a piece of jewelry hasn’t shown up recently, but then maybe your gas tank is always filled, you have your coffee made for you and delivered in the morning, doors are held open for you, and garbage mysteriously moves from the kitchen to the trashcan.  The list goes on with the simple, everyday subtle gestures of consideration, sensitivity and thoughtfulness you do for each other that show the love.
 

Unfortunately, some people have a rigid idea of how a relationship should work and will not give an inch from that viewpoint.  Rigidity can destroy a relationship.  Remember, even a handshake starts with a step toward each other.  

In “romantic” times, the knight wooing the fair maiden was hoping she would make probably that last major decision in her life by choosing him, before she became his property.  I’ll wager there are not too many ladies today who would choose that fate to get some “romance.”

The downward spiral begins with unrealistic expectations from one partner toward the other.  If they really loved them, they would change into this “ideal” person.  The other partner gets annoyed, then resentful, then bitter over the expectations and feels unappreciated and alone.
 

That behavior happens with guys as well as girls.  While girls may desire a little obvious romance, many guys expect their women to always look their best, feed them whenever they feel like eating and to like all their friends. 

Consideration, sensitivity and thoughtfulness make up the romantic spirit.  To get romance, give romance, but give it in terms your mate can understand.

• Compliments are those words that make a person feel appreciated. This goes both ways. It is well known that women appreciate compliments on their appearance and other things, but men, to my experience, rarely get compliments.

A compliment strokes a guy’s ego.  A man’s identity is wrapped up in his ability to protect and provide for his family.  Constant corrections (even if you think they are needed) move a guy’s focus away from the pain.  Praising him often for his skills (even if they need improvement) move the relationship a long way toward romance. 

There is a big difference between a compliment and false flattery, and the recipient can see it.  Remember, we all will do anything stop or avoid pain and seek pleasure.  Make sure you provide the pleasure your guy seeks.

• Small things are the glue that holds a relationship together. Small as they are, they are noticed. This goes both ways also. Have you ever accompanied your mate to something you really weren’t crazy about? Whether it is a ball game or food shopping, asking is sometimes enough to show interest. Do you know your mate’s favorite snacks, TV shows, colors, and preferences? If you don’t, take notes and memorize them.

Do you know the exact color of your mate’s eyes?   When was the last time you looked into them for real communication?

When was the last time you said, “I love you” at an unexpected moment.  For a man, that is one of the most romantic declarations he can receive, and with only three words, it’s unlikely it will be mistranslated.

And of course, arguable whether a small thing or not, is sex.  Guys know that their girls are not always in the mood for sex, and girls know that for guys, they are ready anytime day or night, but when the get-together only occurs on the guy’s birthday, something is dreadfully wrong.

Intimate time spent together cements your personal bond.  For a guy, behind that armor of bravado, is a relatively frail ego.  Continued sexual rejection from your mate is the biggest insult a man can receive.  It is too many times the reason the man seeks his comfort elsewhere while his mate wails her innocence.

Intimate romance is built on the pillars of consideration, sensitivity and thoughtfulness, glued with the small things mates know about each other and do for each other without any expected reward.

• Rituals enjoyed together draw people closer. Family dinner is probably the most common, but there are others, some enjoyed by the guys and some only by girls. Rituals like weekend card games for guys only draw the guys closer and do nothing for your intimate relationship. Romance is finding a ritual to enjoy together on a regular basis, whether it is enjoying a movie or sailing.
• Surprising your guy with an unexpected, inexpensive gift that you personally picked out makes him feel special. However, be sure he will be pleased. Don’t paint his vintage car. But because you obviously 1) thought of him and 2) spent the effort, he will feel valuable in your eyes. And you may find more flowers and gifts coming your way.

Remember the small things.  Romance is:

• watching a movie you hate but your mate loves
• keeping silent when they come out with a “blooper”
• smiling when they give you a “what were you thinking” card or gift
• saying “Thank you” to recognize small gestures of consideration
• not forcing yourself into a task when they don’t want any help
• respecting their space, and their “alone” time
• learning what is important to them and respecting it
• accepting who they really are
• there are many others …

 
Twenty years ago, my wife and I were in a local jewelry store to have my watch repaired and she kept hovering over a necklace with a diamond arrangement in the pendant.  It was beautiful, one of a kind, made by the jeweler. 

She didn’t say anything, kept looking at other pieces, but kept coming back to that necklace.  I asked the jeweler to see it and asked her to try it on.  There was no doubt she loved it with her little gasps of breath as she looked in the mirror.  Then I asked the jeweler the price — $1,000. 

Now it was my turn to gasp.  But over the protests of my wife that it was too expensive, I took out my credit card and told the jeweler to write it up before I came back to reality. 

It took me a couple of years to pay off that charge, but in twenty years, she has worn that necklace at least a thousand times, and loves it as much as when it was new.  I bought it because she deserved it, and still deserves it today.  And the deserving it, not the necklace, in my mind, is an example of ongoing romance.

Command a vital life. Live today.