The Right Time

Every year, certain days roll around where a guy is expected to make a big deal of appreciation for his special girl, whether just dating committed, married fifty years or somewhere in between. 

Of course, for those who don’t live in any society on this planet, those days includes at the very least:

• Birthday
• Anniversary
• Christmas (or similar winter celebrations)
• Valentine’s Day (that 24-hour obligatory affirmation, confirmation, demonstration, exhibition, test and proof of eternal love)

Symbols of proof include (also at the very least):

• Red roses or bouquet of flowers
• Candlelight dinners, preferably in expensive restaurants, complete with champagne
• Surprise weekend getaways
• Gifts, preferably expensive and preferably jewelry

Miss one event and a guy will be reminded until he draws his last breath on this earth. 
 

Does that seem unusually harsh toward the ladies? 

It is only directed toward those who can take ownership of that behavior, or are all about “me.”  It excuses ladies who get vacuum cleaners and the like from their guys on these occasions.

When a guy has to and is expected to give proof repeatedly, it just becomes a job that has to be done.  The roses degrade to flowers that are good enough to pass muster.  The dinners regress to not-so-expensive restaurants.  Forget the champagne and candlelight.  In addition, the jewelry gifts are reduced to whatever is on sale. 

That doesn’t sound romantic to me. 
 

Romance is defined as the colorful world, life, and conditions from novels and other prose narratives depicting heroic or marvelous deeds, pageantry, and romantic exploits usually in a historical or imaginary setting.  It is a romantic spirit, sentiment, emotion or desire; a romantic character or quality. 

It is also defined as a baseless, made-up story, usually full of exaggeration and fanciful invention.

When used as a verb, it means to court or woo romantically; to treat with ardor or chivalrousness.  But it also means to invent or relate romances, and indulge in fanciful or extravagant stories or daydreams.

When a guy woos a girl, the roses, the dinners and the gifts are many times all used with the intent of cementing that relationship.  And once it is lawfully bonded, attention is turned to living life on a daily basis.

I’m sure Snow White was very happy to be carried off by her prince, until she found out his castle had 143 rooms that had to be swept every day among her other wifely chores.  I’m sure the ladies in King Arthur’s court were very happy to be courted by handsome knights, but not all of us are knights and ladies with servants to do all the dirty work.  Most of us are the servants. 

It is no wonder there are daydreams of more romantic scenes.

The daily grind where one or both work to pay bills and build a better life was in the original plan, but it wasn’t seen as the daily grind.  Daydreams painted a happier life. 

But life expands to include children and more problems and more joys.  Now, the goal seems to be to hit the sack at the end of the day.  Has anything stayed the same? 

Yes.  You still have each other. 

From that definition, “romantic spirit” is something we can work with.  At the basic level, romance is the demonstration of consideration, sensitivity and thoughtfulness and through that an expression of love. 

It’s just that (here’s a thought) guys and their ladies are different.  The girls visualize romantic behavior with the flowers, dinners and gifts, but guys have a different take on romantic behavior.

Guys are more practical in their approach.  Maybe a piece of jewelry hasn’t shown up recently, but then maybe your gas tank is always filled, you have your coffee made for you and delivered in the morning, doors are held open for you, and garbage mysteriously moves from the kitchen to the trashcan.  The list goes on with the simple, everyday subtle gestures of consideration, sensitivity and thoughtfulness you do for each other that show the love.
 

Unfortunately, some people have a rigid idea of how a relationship should work and will not give an inch from that viewpoint.  Rigidity can destroy a relationship.  Remember, even a handshake starts with a step toward each other.  

In “romantic” times, the knight wooing the fair maiden was hoping she would make probably that last major decision in her life by choosing him, before she became his property.  I’ll wager there are not too many ladies today who would choose that fate to get some “romance.”

The downward spiral begins with unrealistic expectations from one partner toward the other.  If they really loved them, they would change into this “ideal” person.  The other partner gets annoyed, then resentful, then bitter over the expectations and feels unappreciated and alone.
 

That behavior happens with guys as well as girls.  While girls may desire a little obvious romance, many guys expect their women to always look their best, feed them whenever they feel like eating and to like all their friends. 

Consideration, sensitivity and thoughtfulness make up the romantic spirit.  To get romance, give romance, but give it in terms your mate can understand.

• Compliments are those words that make a person feel appreciated. This goes both ways. It is well known that women appreciate compliments on their appearance and other things, but men, to my experience, rarely get compliments.

A compliment strokes a guy’s ego.  A man’s identity is wrapped up in his ability to protect and provide for his family.  Constant corrections (even if you think they are needed) move a guy’s focus away from the pain.  Praising him often for his skills (even if they need improvement) move the relationship a long way toward romance. 

There is a big difference between a compliment and false flattery, and the recipient can see it.  Remember, we all will do anything stop or avoid pain and seek pleasure.  Make sure you provide the pleasure your guy seeks.

• Small things are the glue that holds a relationship together. Small as they are, they are noticed. This goes both ways also. Have you ever accompanied your mate to something you really weren’t crazy about? Whether it is a ball game or food shopping, asking is sometimes enough to show interest. Do you know your mate’s favorite snacks, TV shows, colors, and preferences? If you don’t, take notes and memorize them.

Do you know the exact color of your mate’s eyes?   When was the last time you looked into them for real communication?

When was the last time you said, “I love you” at an unexpected moment.  For a man, that is one of the most romantic declarations he can receive, and with only three words, it’s unlikely it will be mistranslated.

And of course, arguable whether a small thing or not, is sex.  Guys know that their girls are not always in the mood for sex, and girls know that for guys, they are ready anytime day or night, but when the get-together only occurs on the guy’s birthday, something is dreadfully wrong.

Intimate time spent together cements your personal bond.  For a guy, behind that armor of bravado, is a relatively frail ego.  Continued sexual rejection from your mate is the biggest insult a man can receive.  It is too many times the reason the man seeks his comfort elsewhere while his mate wails her innocence.

Intimate romance is built on the pillars of consideration, sensitivity and thoughtfulness, glued with the small things mates know about each other and do for each other without any expected reward.

• Rituals enjoyed together draw people closer. Family dinner is probably the most common, but there are others, some enjoyed by the guys and some only by girls. Rituals like weekend card games for guys only draw the guys closer and do nothing for your intimate relationship. Romance is finding a ritual to enjoy together on a regular basis, whether it is enjoying a movie or sailing.
• Surprising your guy with an unexpected, inexpensive gift that you personally picked out makes him feel special. However, be sure he will be pleased. Don’t paint his vintage car. But because you obviously 1) thought of him and 2) spent the effort, he will feel valuable in your eyes. And you may find more flowers and gifts coming your way.

Remember the small things.  Romance is:

• watching a movie you hate but your mate loves
• keeping silent when they come out with a “blooper”
• smiling when they give you a “what were you thinking” card or gift
• saying “Thank you” to recognize small gestures of consideration
• not forcing yourself into a task when they don’t want any help
• respecting their space, and their “alone” time
• learning what is important to them and respecting it
• accepting who they really are
• there are many others …

 
Twenty years ago, my wife and I were in a local jewelry store to have my watch repaired and she kept hovering over a necklace with a diamond arrangement in the pendant.  It was beautiful, one of a kind, made by the jeweler. 

She didn’t say anything, kept looking at other pieces, but kept coming back to that necklace.  I asked the jeweler to see it and asked her to try it on.  There was no doubt she loved it with her little gasps of breath as she looked in the mirror.  Then I asked the jeweler the price — $1,000. 

Now it was my turn to gasp.  But over the protests of my wife that it was too expensive, I took out my credit card and told the jeweler to write it up before I came back to reality. 

It took me a couple of years to pay off that charge, but in twenty years, she has worn that necklace at least a thousand times, and loves it as much as when it was new.  I bought it because she deserved it, and still deserves it today.  And the deserving it, not the necklace, in my mind, is an example of ongoing romance.

Command a vital life. Live today.