Bingham interweaves challenges to his audience with advice to the people he fires.  In his motivational talks, he sets up an empty backpack as a focus point.

He associates the backpack with the burdens we carry through our lives and challenges his listeners to consider what is in their backpacks, and how as we travel through life we become bogged down by our ‘stuff’ and by our commitments to people. 

Bingham preaches to his audience, How much does your life weigh? Imagine for a second that you’re carrying a backpack. I want you to pack it with all the stuff that you have in your life… you start with the little things. The shelves, the drawers, the knickknacks; then you start adding larger stuff; clothes, tabletop appliances, lamps, your TV… the backpack should be getting pretty heavy now. You go bigger. Your couch, your car, your home… I want you to stuff it all into that backpack.

Now I want you to fill it with people. Start with casual acquaintances, friends of friends, folks around the office… and then you move into the people you trust with your most intimate secrets; your brothers, your sisters, your children, your parents and finally your husband, your wife, your boyfriend, your girlfriend. You get them into that backpack. Feel the weight of that bag.

Make no mistake your relationships are the heaviest components in your life; all those negotiations and arguments and secrets; the compromises.

As we watch this scene, we start to think about what we are carrying around, our burdens and our connections to different parts of our life.  A friend of mine described each burden as a golden thread, securing us more firmly in the cage of our life. 

Bingham points out that it is with our backpacks that we journey through life.  For most of us, our backpacks are pretty heavy.  Can we enjoy our journey with all that weight on our backs?

What’s in your backpack? 

The weight 

Can you feel how heavy the backpack is?  We weigh ourselves down to the point where we can’t move.  Bingham says, “Your relationships are the heaviest components of your life.” 

Bingham preaches we can choose not to be weighed down with objects.  In truth, we all accumulate lots of currently useless items over time.  They are the items that once had value to us but no longer.  

He also advocates the letting go of pesky personal relationships, praising the avoidance of commitments and connections. 

We must remember that this advice comes from a man whose entire wardrobe is contained in his airline carry-on bag, has no friends or intimate relationships, and whose lifestyle has made him a stranger to his family. 

His backpack is as empty as his life. 

The Moving Journey: 

Bingham also advocates continuous moving through life.  He considers he is at home in airports and on flights.  Experiences are more important than objects. Moving is living.   

The slower we move the faster we die. Make no mistake; moving is living. Some animals were meant to carry each other to live symbiotically over a lifetime. Star crossed lovers, monogamous swans. We are not swans. We are sharks. 

He thinks of himself as a shark, but not in the competitive sense.  Sharks never stop or sleep.  Sharks have no relationships; they die if they stop swimming. 

In Bingham’s mind, relationships slow you down or hold you back.  He has none in his backpack.  He has even become a stranger to his family, being always on the move, no longer a part of his family.  As his older sister suggests when she asks him for a favor, I know you have a problem with doing things for people. 

His journey involves a quest to achieve ten million frequent flyer miles on the airline he uses exclusively for his travel.  He will be only the seventh passenger to achieve this, and the youngest.  For flying coast to coast more than 3,000 times, he will have his name written on the side of an airplane.  [This guy has issues]

Connections

Bingham is a man who spends his life making connections – between planes.  He also spends his work time severing connections – for others.  He fires people in corporate downsizing.  In his words, we set them adrift when they are most vulnerable. 

His cost is to avoid making any people connections for himself.  He doesn’t know how to connect with people or even if he wants to.

His older sister observes, You’re awfully isolated, the way you live.  Walking through a crowd, Bingham returns with, Isolated?  I’m surrounded.  She further points out that he lives in a cocoon of self-banishment with no human connection. 

But connections find him.  At his younger sister’s wedding, her groom, Jim gets cold feet and Bingham is pushed forward to handle it. 

Jim tells Bingham that the night before, he couldn’t sleep.  He started to think about his future – wedding, buying a house, mortgage, having kids, paying college tuition, having grandkids, and eventually, death.  Jim is mentally packing his backpack and reeling from the perceived weight of the staggering baggage. 

“What’s the point?” he asks. 

Bingham is caught in a connection where he must preach the exact opposite of what his base philosophy is. 

He admits that what Jim say is all true.  There is no point.  But if you think about your favorite moments, your most important moments in life, you were never alone.  Life’s better with company.  Everybody needs a co-pilot. 

Wakeup call

The wedding and his intervention wake up feelings in Bingham that perhaps he would enjoy his moving journey more with his own co-pilot.  After years of carrying his own empty backpack, he thinks maybe he wants to put something back in.  He seeks out his casual intimate fellow traveler and finds she has a family of her own. 

Where he considered her only a distraction, she considered him the same.  He finds it’s tough looking in a mirror, having yourself look back, and disliking what you see. 

After years of telling the people he terminates that the firing is a wakeup call for them, Bingham receives his own wakeup call.  

Do we need a wakeup call?

Repack

From his book, What’s In Your Backpack? John Bytheway recalls the pack one of his fellow Scouts that he lugged up a steep trail. “He had things in his pack that were too heavy, that he didn’t need, that weighed him down, and that made the hike a lot harder than it needed to be.”

What does this all teach us? 

We don’t have to be like Bingham, with only three shirts and no connections in his backpack.  However, periodic examination of our backpacks and our lives will certainly reveal unnecessary former treasures we can put aside and relationships that are holding us back from what will make us truly happy. 

Perhaps we are carrying bad habits, procrastination, a poor self-image, guilt, unresolved feelings and hindering relationships.  We could replace them with a capacity to love, energy, courage to follow our own path and supporting relationships that inspire us to move ahead with purpose.  Perhaps it is as simple as emptying a garage stuffed with former treasures.

After we purge those heavy burdens and change some of those relationships, we can pick up our backpack and it will feel just right.

What’s in your backpack? 

Command a vital life. Live free.

They hurt.  Even if we are the most confident of people, they draw blood as they are meant to do.  Our human reaction is to retaliate with an insult that is worse that will draw more blood.  We have also seen children in the playground escalating their verbal taunts, which in some cases leads to blows.

As adults, we have a little more control over our anger, and if we know a few things, can fend off and minimize the insults without saying something we will regret forever.

Definition

You bite or hold your tongue to keep yourself quiet, even when you really want to speak out, but you know you should not say what you want to say.

Biting or holding your tongue is the opposite of speaking your mind, which is what you say to someone who says something that you disapprove of or makes you angry.

Examples

“I wanted to tell her what I really thought of her.”
“She asked me if I liked her… and I just bit my tongue and nodded.”
“They asked me is there was something wrong with them and I just bit my tongue and nodded ‘no.’”

People insulting themselves under mental black clouds (probably the least harmful):

“I hate my hair, body, job.”
“I hate doing the dishes.”
“I’ll never get along with my Mom, sister, …”
“I’m always getting sick or coming down with something.”
“I’ll probably end up with cancer.”
“I’ll never meet anyone.  I’ll die young an alone.”
“I just know something bad will happen.”

People insulting family members and those around them:

“My kid is driving me crazy!”
“So and so is so lazy.”
“So and so has no taste.”
“So and so is just a rotten %$*&.”

People insulting you:

“You have no taste.”
“You screw everything up.”
“Why don’t you do something right for a change?”
Fill in the blanks … the list goes on.

The Attack

We’ll talk mostly about people hurling insulting remarks at you.

The way a barb hurts is that it catches us unaware.  It comes out in a friendly conversation or gathering and stuns us into inaction while our brain processes a response.  It is similar to standing on a railroad track or road watching an approaching train or truck bear down.  That is what the insulter is counting on.

Many times, the first muscle that reacts is the tongue.  Retaliate!  Say anything.  Again, the insulter is counting on your saying something foolish that can be referred to and used against you in a future embarrassing manner.

The objective is power over you.  Even when it is a family member or spouse, there is a struggle to be the “alpha dog” or the group’s highest power.  The most effective way is to minimize or eliminate all competition. 

Believe it or not, the insulter may not think of it as an insult, but something that in their mind, must be said to improve you or the current situation.

What can you do? 
 
Minimize or eliminate

Facing conflict is hard.  It prevents cooperative problem solving and resolution.  Everyone wants peace and harmony, but most want it their way.  Having the skills to manage conflict can greatly improve the outcome.   

The easiest “gibers” to handle are the windbags; they “shotgun” criticism in every direction.  Everyone (except them) in charge of anything is at fault for their miserable lives.  Windbags are exhaling hot air, and like hot air balloons will collapse when they run out.

The worst thing to do is to fuel their furnace by engaging them in their ranting.  They are looking for someone to waste their energy by engaging and empowering them.  Denying them any response will cause them to deflate.

Postponing debate until emotions return to normal levels allow you to formulate a strategic defense.  Resist pressure to respond immediately.  Take a time out.  Refuse to blurt out something you will later regret.  This strategy strengthens your position.  Postponing minimizes their importance since their issue doesn’t have to be resolved immediately.
 
Duck and Cover

For most of the range of insults thrown your way, you can duck by ignoring the remark and allowing it to fly by; you can deflect the remark by correcting the insulter’s use of language, intent or object behind the insult; or you can cover yourself with facts and data and use the postpone tactic.

By summing up and paraphrasing their viewpoints, comments and insults (“what I hear you saying is …”), you are reinforcing your right to reply, as well as giving you time to think of a strategy.  Summarizing shows that you have been listening and are trying to understand the issue.  Repeating may highlight to others the foolishness or falseness of their comment or delivery.  Communicating your need and desire to understand takes the emphasis from the insult and focuses on the issues and the pettiness of the insulter.

Verbal Abusers

Perhaps the hardest insulter to handle is the verbal abuser.  Abusers live for the next time they can victimize someone.  They are the professionals in the insulting arena.  Their insults are pointed and hurtful, coming from years if experience in hurting others.  They often appear pleasant at first, putting others at ease.

Good manners and consideration for another’s feelings usually stops most of us from voicing our criticism to specifically hurt another.  Abusers have no such restraint.  Abusers recognize no boundaries, are insensitive, inconsiderate, and ignorant of acceptable social behavior, or freely insult, put-down and unfairly criticize others.  We’ve all experienced it, the insult masked as humor or ‘advice’ that stuns us and leaves us speechless.  The damage is usually well done to undermine our self-esteem.

Dealing with an abuser requires taking off the gloves and NOT biting your tongue.  There is an old saying that goes, “don’t wrestle with a pig because you’ll get mud all over you and the pig enjoys it.”  They have met their match if you are willing to get down in the mud as well.

The only way to silence an abuser in my experience is to stamp them into silence with a more insulting remark, then leave the subject and deny them a comeback.  It has to be done with a smile and a laser lock on their gaze. 

A typical remark might be, “I thank you for your attempt at helpful advice, which can be expected from someone of questionable breeding, but let’s move on.”  Then turn your back and refuse to acknowledge anything they may say.  Instead of biting your tongue, bite theirs.

No one likes to be ignored, and abusers thrive on the after-reaction of embarrassment from their victims.  You have also put them on the defensive by alluding to their heritage (whether true or not). 

While they are defending their breeding, deny them your presence.  Ignore them.  Cancel them from your existence.  Speak through them in a group as if they didn’t exist and continue the treatment for an extended period.  They deserve no consideration, no acceptable social behavior. 

Peek Behind the mask

Every day we face the casual cruelty of many of the people we come in contact with.  Human beings have a tendency to assess and judge each other by their own standards.  What really causes people to hurl hurting insults?

Some people don’t like other people for a multitude of background reasons.  Perhaps there is a deep secret that is still an open wound; perhaps there is a chemical repulsion between their personalities; perhaps the victim simply reminds the insulter of someone they hate.  The list is endless. 

There are other reasons that if known may allow you to give them some slack and bite your tongue:

• They may be simply having a bad day.  We all have lives outside our immediate association and others are not privy to the disappointments others may have suffered.
• They may have had a major disappointment and are just angry at the world, looking to make others feel as bad as they do.  They will eventually regret any hurt they cause.
• For some unknown and unmeant reason, you may have crossed their breaking point in a succession of social defeats, and they pick you to vent out some steam. 
• They may have poor impulse control, lacking the training or ability to stop before their behavior damages others. 
• They may have very low self esteem, are needy or dependent and have held in their comments for too long. 
• They may see their business, job, or a loving relationship slipping away or gone already, and feel helpless to reverse the situation. 
• They may be dealing with substance abuse or other addiction, or physical or mental illness in themselves or a loved one. 

There are also behaviors that must be immediately dealt with if a group is to progress: 

• A group member comes on strongly, and is demanding and insistent on having their own way. 
• They always need to be “top dog,” always in control of others.
• They are aggressive, hostile, and combative with a bad temper. 
• They try to divide up the group, alienating members from each other so they can gain control. 
• They ignore rules, considering themselves above the rules. 

Then there are people, who for some reason, act and perhaps feel superior to everyone around them.  The world would be a better place (for them) if everyone would just be quiet and follow their orders.  Everyone who disagrees with them is automatically wrong.  They want to be powerful and in absolute control of others who will do their bidding without question.  They are also selfish. 

This type of person has no sympathy for anyone. 

These people are not necessarily verbal abusers, but they are a destructive verbal force that must be dealt with.

We cannot automatically assume that people we meet and deal with have only good intentions.  We shouldn’t judge those we do not yet know, but we should have our own defensive weapons ready to use if we should need them.

Look Inside to their Pain

We have discussed some reasons people are hostile and destructive.  In the hierarchy of life, self is at the top.  If we have been thrown into a pit, we will make sure our world regains its balance by punishing someone else. 

Except for sociopaths, most aggressive and destructive verbal behavior comes from our need to share our pain.  What people say may have nothing whatever to do with you.  You may have just provided an opportunity for the hurting person to share their pain.

If possible, offer them empathy.  They are in pain.  They may reject your attempt but at least you tried. 

Defend Yourself

We teach people how to treat us.  Most people will push as far as they can, but if you push back, they will generally stop.  A silent lack of response will encourage them to push deeper.  A smart comeback before ignoring them will generally cause them to rethink the situation.

In the eighteenth century, when people dueled each other with single-shot revolvers, a smart duelist would wait and duck while his opponent fired his weapon.  He was then free to walk up to the other person and fire point-blank, ending the contest.

The lesson here is to avoid responding to an insult until you can defuse the situation, or minimize or eliminate the insulter.  They loaded their guns without warning.  It’s only fair that you reply when yours are loaded as well.

Remember, earning a reputation for handling insults will minimize insults thrown your way.  Chronic insulters are cowards.  They don’t want to risk being hurt in retaliation.

If someone unauthorized gives you an order or assignment, ignore it and don’t comply, or with a smile treat them like a child and ask “What’s the magic word?” 

This is a “who’s on top” maneuver.  If you follow the order, they raise their status over you.

After your response, look bored, yawn and walk away or turn your attention to something or someone else.  Refuse to engage the insulter or acknowledge their existence. 

Ignoring someone is the worst insult possible.
 

Comebacks when you don’t bite your tongue

“You hurt my feelings by saying that.”  “Why do you always want to hurt people?”

“Say something nice or don’t say anything at all.”

“Am I so much of a threat that you feel the need to insult me?”

“Do you feel more important now?”  “Does that make you feel better about yourself”

“I’m only interested in the opinions of people who deserve respect.”

“Careful, your unbalanced personality complex is showing.”

 “What university did you graduate from with that degree in…” (are you an expert?)

“Since almost everything else you say is wrong, that can’t be accurate.”

“Tell me in detail what you mean by that.  I’m sure we’ll all have a laugh at your attempt at evaluation (logic / analysis).”

Response to “Looks (brains/family/etc.) aren’t everything.”  “Yes, I guess you’d know about that, living with it.”

“If you want to get into it, you know what they say about people in glass houses.”

“You like paying dirty?  We (strength in numbers) have always known you were a pig.”

“People who need to boost their own egos by putting others down have a low opinion of themselves.  That is your problem, isn’t it?”  (instigating a defense and gaining time).

“I’m not taking your criticism anymore.”  Break off contact and be as good as your word.

Many people hide their insults and hostility behind humor.  “Insults pretending to be jokes are not funny, they are malicious.  Are you malicious and insecure, or just hateful?”

Stare at a part of their anatomy and say, “You really do have crooked teeth (are losing your hair / could lose some weight / etc.)”  (you can return the humor here – see how they like it).

Condescending tones of voice can attempt to insult, especially appearance.  Respond with a laugh and “Thanks, that’s just the look I’m after.”

Insulters who are not taken seriously are put down.  Minimize them and their insult. 

Command a vital life. Live free.